The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Matrix Enchanted
by Alif Maksura
Summary: Elizabeth, the most obedient girl in the galaxy, must save Planet Earth from a handful of Vogon Constructor Fleets. Chapter 4 is up, and the Vogons are coming to Earth a lot sooner than we thought. I will await reviews!
1. Fatuous Fairy

**NOTE TO READERS: **The following story contains a terribly naughty spoof of Disney cartoon movies and violent, science-fiction films.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Matrix Enchanted Chapter 1 – Fatuous Fairy 

During the dawn of mankind, fairies came into existence.

This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

Fairies are esoteric. Some are very esoteric. Some can only be understood by philosophers who devote their waking hours to solving life's mysteries, and are recognized by the outside world as hapless dreamers, or obsessed cretins, or, more likely, both.

But these exuberant, magical beings tend to associate with children the most, particularly the open-minded, fun-loving toddlers. Some experts hypothesize that a young brain can except and thrive with the conditions of a dazzling human look-alike with wings. In contrast, when a mind reaches a certain age, it has more trouble coping with differences.

This has led to the conclusion: Fairies enjoy socializing with younger kids because they are more likely to believe in fairies. Many fairies tried this experiment with older humans. The result was widespread oblivion, as all carbon-based life forms had a lethal weapon: If a human ever uttered something along the lines of, "Screw it. There's no such thing as fairies," a fairy would die, obviously in a last attempt to please that semi-evolved simian.

Not a soul has been able to work their way around this phenomenon. Some hypothesize that fairies were created without the Grim Reaper's consent, and thus whenever a human declared that he/she did not believe in fairies, Death would glance sharply at a fairy, demand what the hell it was doing outside the netherworld, and apologize to the primate by making him/her that much closer to stating a fact.

Others have fathomed a different explanation. Perchance those fairies are actually major suckers with weak heart conditions who will believe anything a human says about them. Therefore, when man claims that fairies don't exist, a fairy's heart will give out in shock from hearing this "fact" and the fairy dies.

Most have agreed on a 3rd idea. It is likely that fairies are just figments of imagination, and if man does not believe, fairies no longer have any reason to exist.

There was at least one soul, however, who did not know this weakness in a fairy. Had she, Elizabeth, known, she might have been able to save the fairy's reputation for nearly causing the destruction of Planet Earth.

The name of the fairy was Lucinda, and she was not wise. She, without realizing it, ruined the Elizabeth's childhood by placing a dreadful curse on the girl. That loser did not intend to do that. Keep in mind that she meant to bestow a gift. When Elizabeth cried inconsolably through her first hour of life, her tears were Lucinda's inspiration. Shaking her head sympathetically at the girl's mom, the fairy touched Elizabeth's nose. "My gift is obedience. Elizabeth will always be obedient. Now stop crying, child." She stopped.

Little did she know that by restricting Elizabeth, Lucinda paved the way for the most diabolical human in the world to set up a scheme that would hail the end of the planet and all life dwelling on it.


	2. Cast of Characters Part 1

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Ella Enchanted, The Matrix, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, or any of its characters. And in case you were wondering, no, this Elizabeth is not the one from Pirates of The Caribbean. She's my made-up parallel of Ella.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Matrix Enchanted Chapter 2 – Cast of Characters Part 1 

Elizabeth's childhood was in shambles the moment it began and she knew it because she was unlucky enough to have the dumbest fairy in the universe put the curse of obedience on her.

Anyone could give her an order, and she would have to do it, no matter what. It could be from doing chores, to being social or even violence. If she were ordered to kill herself, that would be the end of Elizabeth.

Curiously enough, though she did not know it, she was 7th in a line of fairies, but intervening generations and racial mixing had juggled her genes so that only a drop of fairy blood remained inside of her. Therefore, the only resemblance she had were her fairy feet, which don't grow.

She had by no means any magic; indeed, she was not even immortal.

The saddest part of all was that in a bizarre turn of events, Elizabeth somehow ended up in the care of her good-for-nothing stepmother, Mum Olga, along with her two careless stepsisters, Hattie and Olive.

Also, just when Elizabeth thought things were at their grimmest, Lucinda showed up again when she found out that Elizabeth's father married Olga. She gave the two the gift of eternal love. As long as they were alive, they would always love each other.

The stepfamily enjoyed bossing Elizabeth around, especially Hattie, who was noticeably jealous of Elizabeth's physical features. After all, Hattie wore a scraggly wig, while Elizabeth's natural, smooth, golden brown hair shined like the sun.

To shun her beauty, Olga and her daughters turned Elizabeth into a maid and forced her to do chores day and night.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox stared at the huge crowd clogging the streets. He was in downtown Islington and couldn't find a mechanic anywhere he looked.

Normally, this two-headed hell of a guy had better things to do than waltz around on a planet like Earth. He knew of parties out in the galaxy that much more to offer than anything he'd seen here, but he hadn't stopped by Earth to go to a party. He didn't even stop here.

In fact, he hadn't stopped here at all.

He sighed, turning his right head to look at the figure trudging along with him. It was a silver robot, who was walking in such a way that one might guess his feet each weighed five pounds more than they actually were.

His name was Marvin—Marvin the Paranoid Android, and it was because of this robot that Zaphod was stranded in the middle of a city on an island people referred to as the United Kingdom. Well, it sure is a bloody corrupt kingdom, thought Zaphod, if you can't find a place to get a robot's diodes replaced!

_What have I done to deserve this, anyway? _Thought Zaphod. _I'm the coolest guy around, the best ship in the galaxy, and a girl with whom things are working more or less well._

FLASHBACK:

"Hey Marvin, how are you today?" said Zaphod out of complete boredom, knowing very well what the answer was going to be.

Marvin slowly lifted his head and craned it slightly to fix a somber stare at Zaphod. He was in a corner, sulking about how the Universe was treating him at that moment.

As usual.

"Worse than ever. My diodes especially hurt, as they haven't been changed in over 10 zillion years."

Zaphod rolled his eyes, as if he should have guessed that. There were countless numbers of times when Zaphod would accidentally forget Marvin on some desolate planet, and then return some 600 thousand million years later to pick him up. Of course, to do that, Zaphod had to travel through time.

"And why," said Marvin despondently, "Did you ask a question like that? I know you don't care, deep down. Do you actually think I need your fake sympathy? Here I am, brain the size of a planet—"

"Shut it," snapped Trillain, who happened to be an Earthling. She left her home planet when she first met Zaphod, and had been living with him ever since.

To take his mind off Marvin, Zaphod decided to turn his attention to the controls. He soon found this to be no help at all.

"Hi there! What a great day this is, eh?" sang the ship's computer.

"Shut up and pinpoint our location."

"You're somewhere in ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha."

That name sounded terribly familiar, but Zaphod couldn't remember why. It was, as a mattter of fact, the sector where he originally picked up Trillian, but he never got the chance to ponder it. The ship was starting to shake and vibrate.

"Attention everyone," said the computer calmly, "I think we're about to enter a high Improbability Drive. Brace yourselves, because someone could get hurt."

And instantly, something whacked Zaphod in the back of both his heads. One of them said, "Sh," but the other one didn't even have time to say, "it," before he was out cold.

The next thing he knew, he was lying down on a landmass somewhere on Planet Earth, with Marvin hunched over, scowling at him.

END FLASHBACK

"Marvin," whispered Zaphod, "Remind me again why I was sent here, of all places, and why you're with me."

"As I recall," droned Marvin, who wasn't even using one quintillionth of his memory banks to conjure this moment, "Your great-grandfather activated the Improbability Drive, causing the both of us to end up on Earth. He told me it was because he wanted you to change my diodes, and he figured this planet should have the resources. But I don't think it does."

"What does it matter, anyway? If I were to actually change the diodes on your left side, what would happen to you?"

"I would go from a world of pain to a state of boundless misery."

"What's the difference?" snorted Zaphod.

"Isn't it obvious? I can stop worry about this 10-zillion year old ache and start worrying about even worse things."

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There was a long line of mighty Arabian Princes, and Saleem was not exactly one of them.

He was actually extremely popular with the girls, and was having a tricky time trying to find the right girl to marry. On top of that, in 7 days time, he would be crowned the new king of Saudi Arabia. Everyone was anxiously waiting this moment—everyone, that is, except Saleem's volcano of an uncle.

This uncle was named Al Karia, and he was a man of malevolent deeds. Karia often tortured prisoners in order to get information out of them. Other times, he would do it for fun, just to watch them scream in agony, or just to take his anger out on someone, or, most likely, for both reasons.

He also liked training animals instead of humans for an army. He would look for the strongest elephants, big cats, and bears in the world, bring them back to his military base, and use negative reinforcement (starving, whipping, etc) to turn these peaceful beasts into monsters.

Of course, Saleem didn't know this, and it would be too late when he would realize it...

Well, that's enough of that, eh? In part 2, I will introduce Peter Pan and his friends, who take part in a Matrix spoof.

To be continued...


	3. Cast of Characters Part 2

I'd like to thank HiBob for the review. Your comments inspired me to finish the chapter. I will work to finish the next chapter quickly too!

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Peter Pan, POTC, or Pirate Islands either.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Matrix Enchanted Chapter 3 – Cast of Characters Part 2 

The ship was floating over pleasantly calm waters. And high above, there was hardly a cloud in the sky. The sun was shining brightly, and it was not a day with searing heat and drought in the forest. A silent breeze flew all about the island ever so delicately, and it was not a forceful wind that causes chills. No, rather, everything was tranquil here in Neverland.

Which, of course, did not suit the pirates living on the ship.

Though they did not know it, a child was talking to a fairy in a bizarre chant. The tongue did not sound anything like how pirates spoke to each other. In fact, neither the child nor the fairy seemed to be talking. They weren't moving their lips at all. The only noises they were making were squeaks and soft shrieks. (Luckily, the author knows exactly what they are saying, and will dub any further speaking of this language into good ol' English.)

Fairy: Yeah.

Girl: Is everything in place, Tinker Bell?

Fairy: You weren't supposed to play for me.

Girl: I know, but I felt like humiliating them.

Tink: You like those two, don't you? You like watching them.

Girl: Don't be ridiculous.

Tink: We're going to kill them, do you understand that?

Girl: Peter Pan believes they are The Ones.

Tink: Do you?

Girl: It doesn't matter what I believe.

Tink: You don't, do you?

Girl: Did you hear that?

Tink: Hear what?

Girl: Are you sure this path is clean?

Tink: Yeah, 'course I'm sure.

Girl: I'd better go.

Meanwhile, five pirates surrounded a cave in the middle of the jungle, hoping to catch their prey. According to her movement, the girl was hiding at the mouth of the cave.

The leading pirate tiptoed to the entrance, trying to stay to the side, took a deep breath, and leapt across the small pool inside. The girl heard splashing noises, but she knew they found her, and she had nowhere to run. After just a few more seconds, she found the pirates standing right behind her, guns raised.

The leading pirate roared, "Freeze! Hands on your head. Do it. Do it now!"

The girl didn't hesitate. She slowly raised her hands to her head.

Back in the ocean, three men got exited the ship and got into a wooden lifeboat with a small Skull n' Bones flag and paddled to shore, not surprised to find a significant number of other tiny boats on the sandbar, as well as at least 2 dozen pirates. The three men got out of the boat. They were pirates, and one of them had a hook for a right hand.

The pirate with the hook hissed, "Smee..."

One of the pirates, whose name had to be Smee, muttered to himself, "Oh shit..."

"You were given specific orders..." said the hook pirate slowly.

"Hey, I'm just doing my job," said Smee, half-annoyed, half-nervous. "You give me that

prepare-the-plank crap, you can cram it up your ass."

"The orders..." continued the hook pirate softly, ignoring Smee's complaining, "were for your protection."

At this, Smee burst out laughing. "I think we can handle one little girl."

The hook pirate glanced at the other two, and then began walking into the jungle, heading for the cave.

Smee desperately tried a comeback. "I sent a cluster of pirates...they're bringing her back to the water now."

The hook pirate stared at him hopelessly. "No, Smee, your men are already dead..."

Inside the cave, the pirate took out some rope, preparing to bound and gag the girl, who was standing with her back to him, and her hands on her head.

But just before he could touch her, she spun around and elbowed him in the face, and at the same time, at what appeared to be lightning speed, she leapt into the air and smacked the pirate in the chest with a flying snap kick. But to her, the kick in mid-air felt extremely prolonged. Indeed, they could not believe how fast she operated.

Even as he crashed into the opposite wall, collapsing in a heap, she had already chucked a rock the size of a bowling ball right into the head of another pirate who had tried to raise his gun. The last three pirates managed to fire their weapons at the girl, but to no avail, as she jumped, ran across the wall, flipped... and now there were only two pirates left. She grabbed hold of the first and used his gun to kill the second. Finally, she kicked the first one in the head, and now, all five pirates were lying on the ground, beaten up.

But the girl was not out of the fire yet. She closed her eyes and began to make squeaky noises again.

Girl: Peter Pan! The path was traced, I don't know how.

Peter: I know, they invaded the beach. There's no time; you're going

to have to find another way to fly.

Girl: Are there any captains?

Peter: Yes.

Girl: Ah, damn it.

Peter: You have to focus, Tiger Lily. There's a fairy 5 kilometers east of the Mermaids Lake. You can make it.

Tiger Lily: sigh All right.

Peter Pan: Go!

Tiger Lily opened her eyes and burst out of the cave, only to find one of the captains rushing at the entrance, leading another band of pirates.

Tiger Lily turned right and tore like heck across the forest, heading for higher ground. She reached a rocky hill and began climbing it without pausing to take a breath. She got to the top and started running, but she was slowed down by the sharp edges of the terrain she foolishly selected. Down below, some 30 meters away, was the hook captain (Captain Hook) staring at her.

Without slowing down, she turned her head slightly to catch a glimpse of one of the captains (Captain Barracoda) leading the pirates in angry pursuit. Occasionally, Barracoda would stop and try to shoot her with his gun.

Tiger Lily began to jump from one precipice to another with ease. She leapt across each one almost casually. Evidently, Captain Barracoda was able to do the same thing with out difficulty whereas the pirates were leaping wildly with everything they could muster. Some had to hang on to the ledge and pull themselves up, because they couldn't jump that far.

Finally, Tiger Lily came to what looked like a dead end. The next rocky ledge was at least 10 meters away. But instead of stopping, she just kept on running, and jumped the entire gap with no problem.

When the pirates got to the gap, Captain Barracoda performed the unnatural jump as well, leaving the other pirates staring in disbelief. On pirate squeaked, "That's impossible!"

Once he landed, Barracoda followed her down a slope back onto soil. He still hadn't given up chase, and his gun was still drawn. Hiding behind a tree, Tiger Lily spotted a cave nearby, and decided to dash and hide in it. She leapt through the mouth, rolled down the steep entrance, and landed flat on her back, bow and arrow drawn and pointing at the cave, in case Barracoda was coming in as well.

After a few seconds, she whispered, "Get up Tiger, Lily. Just get up. Get up!"

And she did. The cave had another exit, one that led to a small meadow, with the sun shining brightly upon. Then she realized that it was not the sun, it was just the glow of a fairy. When the fairy noticed her, he began to squeak like a maniac and point left. Turning her head to the left, Tiger Lily gasped in horror to see Captain Barracoda running right toward them.

She dashed to the fairy, who sprinkled dust upon her just as the warped captain shot the poor winged creature. Not even pausing to think about the fairy, Tiger Lily jumped into the air and flew away with Barracoda still firing his weapon.

After a while, Captain Hook and the third Captain (Blackheart) showed up, and nodded casually at Barracoda's failure. He said, shaking, "She got out."

Hook shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

Blackheart : The informant is real.

Hook : Yes...

Blackheart : We have the names of their next targets...

Barracoda : The names are Elizabeth and Saleem...

Hook : We'll need a search running...

Blackheart : It has already begun.

So, what do you think? The next chapter is where the real adventure begins. Reviews are appreciated!


	4. Space Invaders Part 1

Well, I finally got all my essays completed, and my teachers decided not to assign too much homework, since this is the Homecoming weekend. And now, without further ado, I present: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Matrix Enchanted Chapter 4 – Space Invaders Part 1 

The new edition of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ notes about a change in the Wikkit Key (The Silver and Golden Bails, and the Steel, Wooden, and Plastic Pillars). Apparently the Silver Bail has been recently discovered on Planet Earth, and is now serving an entirely different purpose. It is being used as a disco ball for a party in the middle of a plate of land referred to by Earthlings as "Saudi Arabia".

Currently, the natives have no clue of the Silver Bail's true function, nor what the Wikkit Key is. (The Wikkit Key is the symbol of the Galaxy—the Wikkit Gate. Its purpose is to lock the planet Krikkit in a Slo-Time envelope.

Ten billion years ago, the inhabitants of the planet Krikkit got fed up with being surrounded by galaxy filled with alternate life. They simply "needed to be alone." Thus, thousands of gigantic Krikkit warships set off into space and started to steal material supplies from planets by the thousands, and then blowing them up, in a mad conquest to destroy the universe.

By their definition, that meant zapping anything that wasn't Krikkit out of existence.

The Galaxy in which the planet Krikkit dwelled managed to get its act together and defeat the Krikkit army. But it took them 2 million years to achieve this victory.

Once that was done, the Chairman of the Board of Judges at the Krikkit War Crimes Trial (also known as His High Judgmental Supremacy, Judiciary Pag, and L.I.V.R., which stands for the Learned, Impartial and Very Relaxed) decided to encase the planet Krikkit for perpetuity in an envelope of Slo-Time, inside which life would continue almost infinitely slowly. Escape from the envelope would be utterly impossible unless it was unlocked from the outside.)

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One day, Dame Olga received a letter from overseas. Hattie and Olive tripped over each other trying to get to it first.

"Well, well!" exclaimed Olga. "It's a invitation to a party in the city of Medina. The person who wrote this letter is the future prince of that country, and according to this, he's single!"

"Wow," said Hattie blandly, "I guess he secretly likes us if he's extending his invitation all the way to Europe! We have to go! It's like my dream come true!"

"Should we bring Elizabeth? And where's Medina?" asked Olive, not showing that much interest.

"No, no, she will stay," snapped Olga. "This house needs to be looked after, and she doesn't have any decent dresses. And Medina is a city in Saudi Arabia."

"Yeah," said Hattie cruely, "An Arabian prince doesn't invite people all the way in another continent if they're just dirty house maids."

At this, Elizabeth walked up to her attic room, not the least bit disappointed, because Mum Olga never gave her an order. Furthermore, Hattie did not know that Elizabeth had been working on a special pink dress in secret in case she got invited to a ball. This pink dress was supplemented by Hattie's bead necklace and Olive's blue sash. (Of course, both sisters threw those in the garbage, claiming they never wanted to see those garments again.) And there was no way Elizabeth was going to pass up something like this!

So, a few days later, Olga and her daughters were getting ready to head to the airport, when Hattie suddenly became suspicious. Usually, Elizabeth would be downstairs, carrying out orders, but she was nowhere to be seen. Hattie called Olive to her side and together they tiptoed quietly up to the attic, so that no one upstairs could hear.

Once they reached the door to the attic, Hattie and Olive looked at each other as they clutched the doorknob. Hattie whispered, "On the count of three. Ready? One...two...THREE!"

And the two of them burst into Elizabeth's room, shocked to see her packing the dress in her suitcase. And when Elizabeth saw them, she gasped, realizing she should have locked the door.

"WTF?" screamed Olive. "MY SASH!" And she pushed Elizabeth aside, grabbed the dress and pulled the sash away.

"OMFG!" bawled Hattie. "MY BEADS!" And she knocked Elizabeth to the ground, and tore into the dress while scrambling to get the necklace off.

"Girls, that's enough!" called Olga from downstairs, as if nothing was going on, "British Airways cannot wait for us as long as we like. It's time to go!"

When they heard this, they let go of the dress (if you could call it a dress now), fixed their clothes, and walked away without a word. A minute later, Elizabeth heard the door slam shut. She didn't even bother to try and get up, for she knew there was no point. All around her, there were shreds of pink and blue and beads scattered all over the floor. Her dream, her yearlong work, her last chance for happiness, was shattered. Overcome with grief, she just lay there, and cried her eyes dry.

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Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz's eyes snapped open, and he sat bolt upright in his chair, twisting his aching head in all directions, ready to shoot anything that moved. But nothing stirred. Everything was absolutely silent, except for the humming of the engines, which he dared not destroy. Finally, his muscles relaxed, and he settled back into his cushy seat, thankful that all he had was a nightmare of his life's work of poetry being burned.

This captain's Vogon Constructor Ship was currently in neutral, quietly floating somewhere between Mars and Earth. This did not suit the captain at all, for he had to remain in this no-man's-land for at least two more weeks. "Just think about their deaths," he would tell himself, and he would smile at the thought of watching a stupid planet explode into bits.

Two weeks from now, the captain was going to use demolition beams to destroy Earth in order to build a hyperspace bypass through this particular solar system. At least, that's the reason he made up to justify the destruction of this planet.

When the Universe realized that Deep Thought could not figure out the question of Life, The Universe, and Everything, they fell into despair. After all, it took Deep Thought 7.5 million years just to find out that the answer is 42. But the super computer assured them that a new computer was being built to replace it, and this one could find the Question to the Ultimate Answer. It would be called Earth. Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz wanted to blow this planet up to make sure the Question would never be found, and thus no one would understand how 42 was the answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything.

"Run a scan on this squalid planet," he barked. Within minutes, red barcode scans shined on Earth, while ship's computer hummed and buzzed, trying to find anything of Vogon interest, which was (since not even one trillionth billionth percent of the Universe makes a typical Vogon's eyes light up, especially not those of the captain) not likely.

One of the scanners moved east. It went past a big continent located just below a small continent, and then paused in the area next to this big continent and the biggest continent on the planet. Then it focused on that small landmass. Soon after, without warning, the computer set off a siren indicating that it had detected something that Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz had programmed it to think would interest the captain.

He reeled like a man seeing his girlfriend run away. "This had better be important! What did you see?" The computer then flashed a screen, with a picture of a glowing orb. It was colored like some type of shiny gray...could it be...? It couldn't! Below it, Earthlings were putting tables and chairs in place for a special event. A dance! But it had to be...

"Wh...th...I...That's...that's the SILVER BAIL! The Silver Bail which represents the peace in the universe! I don't believe it! Right here, and I was about to demolish it! What could I have been thinking?" The captain broke into hysterical laughter. This went on for quite some time until it turned into a hacking cough. It became apparent that he was disturbing the Dentrassis' sleeping quarters with all this racket.

"But I'm getting carried away," he cleared his throat and rubbed his palms together. "Anyway, good to finally have something fun to do. Let's see. In that region of the planet, it will be...midnight, or whatever it is those ridiculous Earthlings call it. Yes. Within about four of their Earthling hours, their clocks will strike midnight. And so will I. People from all over the Universe will make me rich after this!"

He then turned on the PA and began shouting into it. "_May I have your attention please. This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention. Our scanning instruments have detected the coveted Silver Bail on the planet Earth. As you know, people everywhere are trying to get their grubby hands on this trinket, as it forms a piece of the symbol of the Universe. And here's our chance to get it. If we succeed, peacemakers will pay us indefinite amounts of money to get the orb back. Therefore, failure is not an option. We're going to Earth to retrieve the Bail immediately, using any means possible. In case the inferior Earthlings put up a fight, I want a squadron of 50 Vogon troopers armed and ready by the time we land. Message repeats. This is your captain speaking, so stop whatever you're doing and pay attention. Our scanning instruments have detected the coveted Silver Bail on the planet Earth. As you know, people everywhere are trying to get their grubby hands on this trinket, as it forms a piece of the symbol of the Universe. And here's our chance to get it. If we succeed, peacemakers will pay us indefinite amounts of money to get the orb back. Therefore, failure is not an option. We're going to Earth to retrieve the Bail immediately, using any means possible. In case the inferior Earthlings put up a fight, I want a squadron of 50 Vogon troopers armed and ready by the time we land. Message ends._

End of Part one.

Oh, I bet you can just guess what's going to happen next, eh?


End file.
